Appreciating the Beauty of Sacrifice and Struggle

Whoever said that travel solves all your problems lied to you.

I am starting on my third week of classes at Sant'Anna Institute in Sorrento, Italy. This marks the third of sixteen weeks I'll be here studying/traveling. After two weeks, I can confidently say I absolutely positively do not want to come home. Like... ever. I am learning and growing tremendously on my own. I've been making sandwiches for lunch, eating pizza for dinner, grabbing coffee, going on five mile walks, shopping, all the things I've dreamed of since I was twelve. Seeing the world is truthfully as rewarding as it is challenging, and before I decided to study abroad, I thought it would be nothing but payoff, payoff, payoff. I had this preconceived notion that leaving everything behind would help me start an entire new slate of me; while this is true in some aspects of life, no problem ever fully dissipates if there isn't some sort of fight to combat the way it makes you feel.

Taking the topic of last week's blog post, homesickness, is a perfect example of problems weaving in and out of what is supposedly a "dream." I admit that I needed to give my new home a chance and some time for adjustment (and I still probably could use some more time) to feel comfortable here. However, that doesn't mean the feelings are invalid. While I still feel some waves of longing for home, it feels more like a yearning for my people to be here experiencing this growth with me, rather than me be at home wishing I could escape. This weekend, some friends and I took a trip to Rome and it was absolutely incredible. The scenery was unlike anything I have ever laid my eyes upon; churches, monuments, ruins, vintage shops, bookstores, cafes, people in general... everything was breathtaking. On the way to Rome, however, awaited a three hour train ride. For some reason, a window seat to yourself, a good view, and passing thoughts are all it takes for you to start to spiral. Putting on my travel playlist (full of songs about the passing of time, healing, etc), I sat and reflected on everything that led me to this point in time. The people I've met, those I've lost, versions of myself I've grown out of. People I loved and now know nothing about, family that have passed or have grown distant, seeing pictures of friends I used to spend every waking minute with and feeling like a stranger to them. Everything I've ever done and everyone I've ever met has played a role in me, sitting in the library, writing this blog post. For reasons I cannot comprehend, these thoughts flooded through me at an alarming rate, and I tried desperately to push them away. I was on a train to ROME, for crying out loud. I'm here, living the "absolute dream," having the time of my life.

Every time I speak to someone about the struggles I've already been through since I arrived in Italy, I feel ashamed. It's not that I'm NOT having the time of my life, because truly, I am. I've met people who I know will be lifelong friends, people who I'll cry over when we can no longer walk to each other's apartments in three short months. I've bonded with staff in communal spaces, the books in the library, the owners of my favorite coffee shops. I am becoming the greatest version of myself, doing things I never thought I would have the strength or courage to do. Yet, here I am, with all these unspeakable feelings bombarding my every thought. It feels wrong, like I shouldn't be having a single problem because I have the opportunity of a lifetime. And oh, how I wish I could sit and enjoy every second of every minute of every hour. But, unfortunately, life doesn't work that way.

Back to the top of this blog, feeling the country doesn't solve all your problems from home. This concept is a societal construct that has infiltrated every social media platform, every TikTok about studying abroad, every university brochure explaining the benefits of being in a country on your own. Don't get me wrong, it HAS solved a lot of problems, but it has also brought along a lot of new ones and brought out repressed ones. Moral of the story is, you can live the dream. You can be having the time of your life and never want to come home while also struggling with feelings you thought had been pushed away. For example, I thought studying abroad would allow me to make new relationships to forget about old, worn down relationships; only half of that is true. Yes, the relationships I've made are beautiful, but the old feelings don't go away just because you aren't physically around people anymore. And that's OKAY. Really, it is.

Relationships with people are just like seasons; some people and experiences are not meant to be with us always. Sometimes we find ourselves hooked up on things that we think are here for a lifetime, but are only supposed to be here for a season. Let's recall my train ride to Rome. I'm sitting in my seat surrounded by my sleeping friends with a podcast playing through my AirPods and a beautiful view to look at when I hear the narrator of the podcast chirp up about seasonal relations. He said something along the lines of "People come into our lives to act as boosters for a rocket. They lead you to a certain altitude and then fall off when you're ready to fly on your own." As cheesy as it sounds... he's right. Some people and experiences are not equipped to fly at certain altitudes. This doesn't make the people or the experiences bad, it just means they aren't meant to go where we go. Rather than shaming myself for thinking that fleeing the country would allow me to escape these memories, I'm beginning to realize that those memories and those people got me here; without them, I wouldn't have a drive, I wouldn't have passion, I wouldn't have the opportunity to grow into the me I'm supposed to be. These people and memories aren't bad and shouldn't be repressed, but rather, reflected upon as stepping stones.

There is so much beauty in figuring out who you're supposed to be. Through every battle, you become more in tune with yourself, more comfortable making your own decisions and advocating for what you believe in. All in all, everything you lose is, ultimately, a step you take. All the stepping stones led you to this moment. They led you to Italy, or to Madrid, or to Saint Louis, or Chicago. Wherever you may be and whatever you may be feeling, you have your past to thank. And one day, long after you've studied abroad, you'll look back and see just how far you've really come. So, live the dream. Appreciate your struggles. Sit with your problems. And then pick yourself up, grab a coffee, go for a walk, and remember that actually life is beautiful and you have the time.